“What the hell is this?!” The Boss flings my Subject Access letter across my desk.

“It’s a Subject Access Request,” I explain.

“I know that!” he explodes. “I mean what the hell are you doing making it?!”

Judging by the steam coming from his ears, whatever response I give, it won’t be well received.

“I wanted to test our systems against those of our clients’,” I explain. 

“Are you mad?!”

“No.”  

“You’ve got the entire Personnel team thinking that you’re about to make an employment claim against the firm!”

What a fortuitous result!

“But I spoke to Veronica,” I tell him. ”I told her what I was planning to do.”

“Ooooh, you spoke to Veronica!” he mimics.  “Well why didn’t you speak to me?!”

The truth: I forgot.   But since when has truth held any value in our team? 

“I didn’t think you would be interested,” I lie.

“Not interested!?  It’s gone to The Bloody Management Board!  They all want to know what I have done to upset you.”

It gets better!

“Oh dear,” I hang my head.  “I’m sorry if I’ve caused you any trouble.  I was just trying to be pro-active.”

“Well, be pro-active now!  Trot off to Caroline’s office and withdraw the bloody request.”

He must be joking.

“Wouldn’t that look a little odd?” I tilt my head to one side.

“Why?”

“Well, if I was an employee with a genuine need to see my file, if my employer made me withdraw my request it might seem a little sinister; like there was something to hide…….”

“There is nothing to hide!”

“I know that and you know that,” I agree. “but do the other people involved?   Surely it would be better to let me have it?  Then it’s all above board.”

He considers this for a split second.  “NO!  IT WOULD NOT!”

“Ok.   Then I’ll tell Caroline.   But it’s not going to help my enquiries.   I wanted to compare my file, which, I assume, is in perfect order, with Amelia’s, which isn’t, but now I will never know……”

Stupid though he is.  Even The Boss can see how this looks.

“Oh, all right, all right, get your file!” he roars.  “But make sure you tell Caroline exactly why you want it.  She will have to report back to The Board.”

“I’ll tell her there’s no need to worry about me bringing an employment claim.”

At least, not yet.

Jane finds all this hilarious.  

“You must really have put the wind up them!” she chuckles.   “They’ve only just recovered from dealing with all the Corporate redundancy stuff.   The last thing they need is an employment dispute in one of the ”safe” areas of the firm.”

“It’s ironic that the one time I’m not actually thinking of bringing one, they think that I am!”

“Well, it might keep them on their toes.   Shame you have to tell her the truth….”

“The Boss will have a fit if I don’t.”

“All the more reason not to!” she cackles.  “Make them think he’s put the screws on you!  That will really give them something to worry about!”

Pondering this, I trot down to the “HR Department”.   Veronica is there, arranging memos.

“Can I help you?” she says, icily.

“I need to speak to Caroline.”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No.” You know that I don’t!

“Then, I’m afraid, you will have to come back when you’ve made one.”

“But there is no one here,” I gesture to the empty offices.

“Nevertheless, we can’t be expected to manage our time if we have to deal with every waif and stray which crosses the threshold.  You will have to come back later.”

“What time?”

“Twenty five past three.”

What kind of time is that?  But her face has gone all pink and puffy, so I decide not to argue.

Four hours and twenty five minutes later, I return.  This time, there is a Reception Committee to greet me.  Caroline and Veronica in their neat summer florals all ready and waiting.

“What is it we can help you with?” Caroline flashes her alligator smile. 

I am suddenly overcome with the desire to be completely obtuse.

“It’s a little delicate,” I explain.

“You are amongst friends.”

Only if  ”friends” eat each other for breakfast.

“I have a terrible problem….. ” I whisper.

 ”Go on,” she leans in. 

Veronica is poised with her pen, ready to take it all down.  I cough.   Shift uncomfortably in my seat and give a wan smile

“Ok, well, the thing is, I’m having touble with….. ”

“With what?”

“My neck. ”

“Your neck?!”

“Yes,  I think it’s probably been caused by all those hours spent hunched over my desk.”  I give it a little rub, for emphasis.

 Caroline looks at Veronica.  Looks back.  Eyes narrowed.

“We will do a work station analysis and let you have a list of orthopaedic chairs.”

“Oh, could you? That would be fantastic.”  I stand up to leave.

“Is that all?” She calls.

“Yes.”

“Nothing else?” 

“Were you expecting something?”

“We thought you had come to discuss your Subject Access Request.”

“Oh that?!” I laugh. “I almost forgot.  How is the copying coming along?”

“It’s almost ready.   Is there a particular reason for wanting to see your file?”

“Yes,” I smile.

“May I ask what it is?”

“The Boss says I’m to tell you that it’s all in aid of a case we’re working on and not to read anything too sinister into it.”

“He did?”

“He seems to think that, if I don’t,  you will think that he’s the cause of some dreadful harassment claim. ”

“But he’s not?”

“Not this week, no.”

I flounce back to my office feeling very pleased with myself.   Half an hour later, a copy of my file is sitting neatly on my desk.   I open it as if I am unwrapping a precious parcel.

But it’s a bit of a disappointment.   Everything is there: all my e-mails moaning about the air conditioning, the window blinds and, even the ladies toilets!   Even more intriguingly: it is not in anything like the pristine state of Amelia’s file.  No pink ribbon here!  Which confirms my fears.

But, as ever, The Boss doesn’t agree.

“Using pink ribbon is not a crime, Helen.”

“I know that!   What I am trying to say is that the pink ribbon is indicative of the fact that someone has taken a great deal of trouble over the presentation of this file.”

“So?”

“So, it’s not normal.  Look at mine.   The photocopying is haphazard, the filing is random and it’s been shoved into a lever arch file with about as much finesse as Melinda uses.”

“Not all firms have the same high standards as ours!” he chuckles.

“But personnel teams across The City are working overtime now, they don’t have time for colour-coding and pink ribbon!”

“Ours is not to reason why.  Ours is just to do or die.  We’re paid to get our clients out of a hole not into one Helen.   If they say the documents are complete,  then we believe them.”

But I don’t.   In spite of the snotty letter to Amelia, I am forced to write.

In the meantime, Liz and Alex are comparing the number of invitations they have received to Chamber’s summer parties.

“One, two, three four,” Liz counts. “That’s two more than last year.”

“It’s four more than any year for me.  And what’s  even more weird is that I don’t even instruct half of these sets.”

“Me neither.  I’ve never even heard of Rushman Chambers.”

“They must be having a marketing push.”

“Well, it takes more than a few cheap canapes to get work from me!”

Actually, it doesn’t.  He instructs barristers either because they buy him lunch or because he fancies them.   

“Are you going to go to all of them?”I ask.

They nod, in unison.  “Free booze for a month!  It will save us a fortune.”

“But you’ll have to socialise with lawyers,” I wrinkle my nose.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, Helen.   We are in a recession, remember!”

Back in the murky world of employment litigation, the weekend brings a dramatic development.   First thing Monday morning, I am summoned to The Boss’s office to hear about Amelia’s latest manoeuvre.

“I’ve just had Philip on the phone,” The Boss says breathlessly.  “Amelia broke into their offices over the weekend!”

“Broke in?”

“Yes!”

“How?”

“They forgot to change the security codes.”

An amused smirk plays on my lips, which I have to bite.

“They only found out because she left them a note,” he continues.

“Saying what?”

“That she had tidied her office and taken everything she needed.”

I quell the urge to laugh.  

“Philip wants to report her to The Police.”

“For what?!  Showing his security measures up?”

“For theft.”

“But what has she taken?”

“Her law school text books are gone, but they’re not sure what else she’s helped herself to.”

“Let me get this straight: she broke in  and stole her, law school text books”?!”

“And other things, they think..”

“It’s hardly The Italian Job.”

“That’s not the point Helen.   Amelia was on gardening leave. She was not supposed to be anywhere near the offices.”

“The Police will laugh at them.”

“That remains to be seen, nevertheless, they want to send out a message. ”

“A message!” I exclaim. “Well, if I was her, I would reply by accusing him of libel, filing my tribunal form and leaking the whole thing to the press.”

“That’s an intriguing insight into your character, Helen,” he gives me a curious look.

“Someone has to give the employee’s perspective,” I fire back.  “Frankly,  I admire her courage.”

“Oh, you do, do you?”

“Yes.”  Up the workers!  Vive la revolution! 

“You have spent too long in Jane’s company.”

“Perhaps.”  I fold my arms.

“Normally I would be alarmed to hear this, but we clearly need a feisty, fearless assistant on our side to out-wit the other one.”

Little does he know.

“And what, exactly, do they want us to do?”

“Nothing for the moment.  Philip is gathering CCTV footage.”

“He spies on his staff?” I gasp.

“Of course!” he laughs.  “But only to find out who is in the building, sadly, he’s not allowed to monitor individual offices.  At least, not officially.”

Not officially!?  I glance at the clock in the corner.  I’ve long suspected that to be a management plant…….

“He’s looking at the computer records as well,” h adds.  ” To see if she printed anything off.”

“He seems very worried about this,” I observe. 

“It’s a very serious offence.”

“Tidying an office is not an offence. ”

If it were Tarquin would be doing a life sentence.

“Perhaps you’ll change your tune when you’ve seen the evidence.  He’s coming over this afternoon.  We can discuss it then.”

He arrives, later that day, clutching a briefcase full of “evidence”.  The Boss has made me set up the audio/video equipment in the meeting room so we can watch the “incriminating” video of Amelia arriving and leaving the office……    

“There!” he cries, “Look, she has a bag with her. ”

“What does that prove?” I ask.  “You can’t see what’s in it and you already know she took her law school text books home.”

“That bag is too big for a few text books.”

“Do you know how many text books she had?”

“No, but it wasn’t that many, I’m sure.”

“What about the computer records?” The Boss interjects. “Have you got those?”

“Yes, here.”

“What do they show?”

“She logged on as me,” he spits.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I mean: she used my computer and my password to access the system.”

Genius!

“How did she know your password?” asks The Boss.

“I don’t know!”

“What is it?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“Is it easy to guess?”

“No.”

“Then how did she do it?”

“I DON’T KNOW!!” he explodes. “All I know is that she hacked into my system and looked at my confidential files!”

“Which files?”

“Hundreds of them!  Accounts information, costings, appraisals, redundancy discussions, marketing, etc etc. ”

“Were any of them printed off?”

“No.”

“But what if it wasn’t Amelia?” I ask. “There must have been other people in the building at the time, and you have remote access, I assume, so how can you prove that it wasn’t you?”

“I JUST CAN!” He bellows.

The Boss gives me a silencing look.   

“Philip,” he says, calmly. “The thing is: the only evidence you have is that Amelia was in the office, that she left with a carrier bag and that, about the same time, someone logged onto your system and looked at some files. ”

“Yes,” he nods.

“Well, it wouldn’t be enough to get her charged, nevermind convicted.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, my friend, that you’ve been had – strung up like a kipper.”

“I don’t believe it! ” he snaps. “There must be something we can do?”

“There is,” The Boss agrees.  “We can pay her off.”

“I would rather tear my nose off and eat it,” he sneers. “I am an equity partner for Christ’s sake.  I refuse to believe that I have been outwitted by a junior assistant!”

And yet, quite clearly, he has!