More redundancies have been announced in our Corporate Teams.  

“So much for green shoots of recovery!” Jane huffs.  “At this rate there won’t be any gardeners left to tend them.”

“The partners will still be here,” Dan informs her, “None of them has been asked to leave yet.”

“Oh, that’s good.  Lots of overweight, overpaid orks fighting over the seedlings!”

Jane’s metaphors are becoming increasingly strange.

“Not to mention eating the profits, “Dan agrees. “There’s no chance of a pay rise for us with them still skulking around.”

“That’s so unfair.   Litigation and Insolvency are keeping the firm afloat, the least they could do is recognise this.”

“Oh, they’ll recognise it all right, in the same way British Airways did: by expecting us to work twice as hard for the same pay!”

I don’t have too much time to worry about the lack of recognition, as things have gone from bad to worse on my employment dispute.   Philip Carlton referred the “break-in” to The Police and Amelia retaliated by issuing  her Claim Form.

The legal press is having a field day:  

“LAWYERS AT WAR!” screams one of the many headlines. “McGregor & Fisher  partner accused of sexual harrassment by former assistant.   Philip Carlton, the firm’s leading Corporate Rainmaker faces allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards a young  assistant, who accuses him of sacking her when she refused his advances.   Amelia Walker, 29, has issued a claim for sexual harassment, discrimination and unfair dismissal. McGregor & Fisher hit back with a blanket denial of the claim and a statement which confirmed that the matter was in the hands of the firm’s legal advisors and The Police. “We utterly refute all the allegations made and we have very serious concerns about their honesty; however, we do not wish to comment further until our investigations, which involve the City of London Police, are finalised.”  Rumour has it that The Police are investigating claims of computer hacking and theft of confidential documents.  No one at the firm was prepared to comment on the matter, but one former employee was brave enough to offer us her view:  “I’m not at all surprised by this.   Carlton is a thoroughly unpleasant man.  Not only did he proposition all his eager young assistants, but he also expected them to provide the sort of client services one normally finds at Kings Cross.”   Crikey, with allegations like that, this case is set to become the most talked about since……well, since the last round of sexual harassment claims in The City! 

Jane is very impressed. 

“I can’t believe you’ve managed to engineer such a fantastically salacious dispute!” she chuckles. 

“I did not engineer it.”

“Well, not all of it, perhaps, but you gave Amelia the push she needed to transform her from bewildered victim into vengeful harpy.”

I purse my lips.  “I did not.”

“You did so.”

“Will you please shut up?” I hiss. “If the Boss finds out about my, very minor, role I shall be next in line for a P45!”

She shakes her head.  “Are you kidding?  This is the best publicity this team has ever had!  Keep this kind of dishonest, double-dealing up and you’ll make partnership before you know it.”

“It was not dishonest double-dealing!” I protest. “It was championing the rights of oppressed underlings.”

“Same effect though,” she flashes a knowing smirk.  “Your meddling gave Amelia the courage to attack her employers and, in doing so, you’ve handed The Boss the most infamous case he has ever had.”

“I was not meddling, I was facilitating.”

“Facilitating a big, fat, free promotional campaign.  I hear there’s talk of a lecture tour when this is over and then, maybe, a judicial role.”

“Don’t exaggerate!”

She flashes me an amused smirk and retreats to her office, cackling softly to herself.

I consider what she has said feeling a little nauseous.  Have I really been the source of The Boss’s new-found success?  That’s not what I intended at all!

I seek out Liz and Alex, hoping they will reassure me.  But they make me feel worse.

“You empowered Amelia,” Alex agrees. “It’s  just a happy co-incidence that, in doing so, you also advanced your own career.”

“I have not advanced my own career!” I gasp.

“Of course you have,” he laughs. “It’s just a matter of time before you are standing on the steps of the Royal Courts of Justice, giving interviews to the assembled news hounds.”

“If you do get interviewed by the BBC,” Liz asks. “Can you let me know, cos I quite fancy one of the newsreaders?”

“I am not going to be interviewed by the BBC!”

“You don’t know that.  Malcolm was asked to speak on Radio 4 once.”

“And never again,” Alex points out.

“Only because he made that unfortunate joke about accountants and cucumbers.  Helen wouldn’t do anything like that.  She’ll be great.”

“Yeah, think of all the photo-opportunities as you stride purposefully down Fleet Street with your files.”

“You are getting completely carried away.”

“I am not!  They always have footage of a pretty blonde in a black suit, talking earnestly to the clients outside the Court.  You might be able to get sponsorship.”

“For what?”

“Your clothes, hair, make-up…..”

I am not listening to any more of this preposterous nonsense.  I leave them debating what hairstyle I should sport (“up” or “down” or a ”half and half”?) and return to my room.

The Boss is pacing the floor.

“Where have you been?” he snaps.

“Making tea.”

“All you assistants ever do is make tea,” he sniffs. “Seems I have a highly trained staff of char ladies!”

“Did you want to speak to me about something?” I ignore this.

“Yes.  This Carlton case.   I’ve just had a PR company on the phone.  Apparently,  McGregor & Fisher have been swamped with calls about the case so they’ve taken over.   They want us to meet with them to brief them about the background. ”

“Ok.”  Jane’s words are ringing in my ears….

“Good, then grab your bag, we’re heading over there now.”

A taxi ride later, we are sitting in the foyer of the PR firm’s uber-slick Soho offices.  Giant black and white pictures with quotes about: “communication,”,”information,” and “presentation,” adorn the walls. 

I wonder if they shouldn’t say: “manipulation”, “propaganda” and “indoctrination?” 

“You must be from CWS?”  A small, sharp-suited man with a goatee beard greets us.

“Yes,” The Boss stands up, towering over him.

“I’m Dane Johnson,” he smiles. “Please follow me.”

He leads us into a meeting room bedecked with more slick photographs and designer freebies.   He offers us coffee in the most miniscule cups that I have ever seen.

“I understand that you are dealing with the defence of the Walker claim against McGregor & Fisher?”

“That’s right,” the Boss nods.

“As I explained on the phone, I have been asked by their marketing team to co-ordinate the media response.  What I need you to do is to talk me through some of the nuts and bolts of it so I can get a flavour for how to manage the publicity.”

The Boss (knowing nothing about the nuts or bolts of it) immediately looks to me for an explanation.   

“Er, well,” I take a deep breath. “It’s a relatively straightforward employment dispute really.  The McGregor & Fisher selected one of their assistant lawyers, Amelia Walker, for redundancy but they failed to follow proper procedures and only selected her because she rejected the advances of her boss….”

“Are you representing McGregor & Fisher or Amelia Walker?!” The Boss interjects.

“McGregor & Fisher, of course.”

“No one would think so.  Tell Dane their side of the story, not hers!”

“Ok,  well, er,  the sexual harassment claims are denied.  McGregor & Fisher say they selected Amelia on performance, but that seems unlikely……..”

“You are doing it again!”

“Sorry. ”

“They say they sacked her because they needed to make cuts in the employment budget and she was selected because she was not a very good assistant.”

“Which seems to be a common problem.”  The Boss shoots a pointed look at me.

“Ok,” Dane ignores him.  “How do you assess the case?  Who do you think will win?”

“McGregor & Fisher are right, of course,” nods The Boss.

“Do you think so, Helen?”

Oh no! 

“Well?” he presses. 

I can’t look The Boss in the eye.   “No,” I say softly.  “I think she will win.”

“What makes you say that?”

Aside from the fact that I passed her industrial secrets?

“Her determination,”  I explain.  “That and the fact that the evidence in support of our client’s contentions, is, well, a bit lacking.”

I think The Boss may vault over the table and throttle me but, after a brief flash of anger, he moves into damage limitation mode.

“Helen is always very pessimistic about our cases,” he tells Dane. “She has a rather jaundiced view of the world; sad for someone of her age.”

But understandable for someone who works with him!

“I see,” Dane nods.  “It’s actually quite good to  hear both sides of the story.  Helen’s honesty is really very useful.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” The Boss flashes me one of his serial killer smiles.

“Me too.” I agree.

“We need to be able to counteract all the negatives in our client’s case you see.  If there isn’t much evidence to support what they say, we’ll have to find some!”

Like weapons of mass destruction…….

“I see.”

“Yes, so if you could just tell me a bit more about the personalities involved?  If you have any dirt on Ms Walker that will be useful too.”

“Dirt?” I repeat.

“Office gossip.  How many boyfriends did she have?  Was she known by any nasty nicknames?  Did she misbehave at the Christmas Party?  Is she a secret cocaine addict? You know, that sort of thing?”

“If she was a secret cocaine addict she would be unlikely to tell her opponents lawyers about it….”

“True enough,” he shrugs, “Well, no matter.  If you can’t think of anything, we’ll dig around and find something.  No one is squeaky clean; not even The Pope.”

“I’m sure he would disagree with that.”

“Yeah?” he scratches his head. “Well, when we had finished with him, he would look like a devil-worshipping sadist! Ha ha ha!”

Ha ha ha.

“I didn’t realise that Public Relations was so cut-throat,” I observe. 

He lets out an involuntary guffaw.  “PR is modern-day warfare.  There is a quote which sums it up: he who controls the information, controls the world.”

“Was that Joseph Goebbels?” asks the Boss.

“No,” he shakes his head.

“Rupert Murdoch?”

“No,” he grins, “It was Dane Johnson!  And it’s true.  Amelia Walker might be a perfectly nice girl, but if we need to make her look a little grubby to help our client with the fight, then that’s what we shall do.”

Next to this, the Law suddenly seems like such a noble profession……

Predictably The Boss is impressed by these new combat methods.

“Remind me to speak to Marketing,” he says, as we ride back in the cab.  “I think it might be worth asking Dane to help with some of our press releases.”

“You mean the ones about redundancies?”

“Amongst other things, yes.”

“Oh,” I say, absently. “I would be interested to see how they could spin the sacking of forty corporate assistants and not one single partner.”

It takes a second for this to sink in but then he erupts like a volcano:  “The partners are the owners of the business, Helen!   If they left there would be no firm.”

“I’m not suggesting that all the partners should leave, but keeping  them on at the expense of the juniors is like running an airline with no ground staff or cabin crew.”

“But at least the planes can still fly.”

“Albeit without any luggage or passengers.”

“Minor details, Helen.”

Not if you’re paying first class prices……