Carlton has not given up his fight with Amelia.  He has another trick up his sleeve.

“Even if she is interviewing with Chance Investments, I don’t have to give her a good reference, do I?” his voice is tinged with triumph.

“If it is your firm’s usual practice to give references then you must give her a fair one,” I point out.

“Then I could just say she worked for us and nothing more?”

“You could.  But that might not be deemed fair, if you normally hand out glowing endorsements.  Besides, do you really think she will need a good reference from you if she’s already worked with them?  They must know what she’s like.”

He snorts. ”She may have sent them the odd e-mail but they most certainly do not know what she is like!”

The “odd e-mail”.  Such is a partner’s view of an assistant’s role.

“Has she attended client meetings?”  I ask.

“Yes.”

“Has she been to client events?”

“Yes.  Although, only the cheap ones.”

“Has she spent any time in their offices?”

“She did some due diligence once.”

“For how long?”

“Six weeks.”

“So,” I sum up. “She has spent six weeks at their premises, interacted with them on a professional and personal level and sent them, in your own words, the ‘odd e-mail’.   I would think that is probably enough for them to make a fair assessment of her capabilities.  If you want my view,” I go on. “If you withhold a reference, not only will Chance Investments think it odd, but Amelia will have another reason to sue you.  You are only making her redundant after all – she has done nothing wrong.”

“What if they call me?” he persists. “And ask me about her?”

“Then the same principles apply.  Besides, if they have read any of the legal press, I think that’s unlikely.  They will know what accusations she is making against you.”

“This is a disaster,” he huffs. “If she goes to work for them, she will do everything in her power to prevent me from being instructed.  There must be something we can do to stop her!?”

“She is free to work for whomever she pleases and Chance Investments will not thank you for drawing them into a claim like this – with all the unsavoury accusations.   In my view you have two choices: you can continue the legal action against her or you can pay her off on the best terms.”

“Then we shall continue the legal action!”

“Even if she has a job with your biggest client?”

“They won’t offer her a job!   I am sure of it!   They won’t want an employee who sues her supervisors.  They are probably just humouring her.”

“Well, that’s fine.  If you wish to take that risk, then we shall continue as planned.”

He pauses for a moment and then orders that I ask The Boss in. “I want to hear from the organ grinder.”

The organ grinder gives him the same advice as the monkey.  Although, he agrees, that it is a terrible state of affairs that a subordinate can wield so much power and advises him, in future, to follow his mantra and keep assistants as far away from clients as possible. “The less contact they have, the less damage they can do.”

Carlton decides he will need to speak to his management board and get back to us.

In the meantime, the new assistant ”grading” criteria are circulated by Personnel.   To achieve the dizzy heights of “associate” we must demonstrate that we have to have:

1. equalled or exceeded target hours

2. provided material for client marketing literature or seminars

3. demonstrated initiative

4. developed and broadened our skills base; and

5. received positive feedback from clients and supervising partners

“Looks like you’re destined to remain an assistant forever,” Alex, tells Jane, when he sees the last one.

“I don’t care if I do!” she sniffs, “It’s better than toadying up to those amorphous imbeciles all the time.”

“It’s not really a question of toadying up,” he laughs. “It’s just a matter of keeping them happy.”

“This is not Disneyland!” she huffs. “I am not employed to make people feel good about themselves.”

“You are not employed to make people feel bad about themselves either, but you do a marvellous job there.”

She fires him a withering look. “When you work with the cretins I work with, that’s not hard to achieve.”

“Still, perhaps you should consider softening things a little, just until the appraisals are over?”

She looks appalled.

“Stop swearing, perhaps?” he offers. “Smile, occasionally?

“Smile?!”

He gives a quick demonstration.  She scowls at him in horror. 

“Never!  I am not going to change my persona and start being “nice” just to win a fancy title.”

“Not even if it means an extra day’s holiday?”

This changes things.

“What do you mean?”

“I heard a rumour that associates and senior associates will get more holidays than assistants.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Tarquin told me.  He’s been speaking to Veronica.  She and Caroline are said to be in favour of one extra day for ordinary associates and two more for seniors.”

“Does The Boss know about this? He would never agree.”

“Not yet. It’s something the “benefits committee” has been discussing, apparently.”

“I didn’t know we had a benefits committee.”

“Me neither, or I would have been lobbying them for better coffee.”

“Is that all you care about?!” she exclaims. “Better coffee?!  God, no wonder this country is going to the dogs.  We used to have an Empire!  We were world leaders.   Now all we care about is the standard of our cappuccinos!”

“Well, what would you have asked for?” he asks irritably. “The repatriation of India?”

She gives him her darkest look. “I would have asked for an increase in pension contributions, better healthcare provisions, more flexible working patterns, a travel allowance, a sabbatical scheme and then, perhaps, I would suggest the annexation of France.”

At times like these, it’s hard to tell if she is joking.   

“You hate the French,” I point out.

“But we would have croissants on demand and they only work a 35 hour week.”

How we have moved from extra holiday to invading Europe I don’t know.  But, frankly, I don’t care.  The whole Amelia case has sent me into another spiral of employment-related despair.

“What’s the use of having extra holiday, if we never have time to take it?” I sigh.

“Make time,” Jane advises.

“I try to but then The Boss calls an urgent meeting or fixes a deadline and I end up being more stressed by taking it than by cancelling it.”

“Delegate.”

“To who?  Melinda?!”

“The trainees, of course.  That’s what I always do.  Failing them, the paralegals.”

“I can’t leave the paras to deal with my caseload.”

“Why not? They all want training contracts.  Make them work for them.”

“Jane!”

She dismisses me with an airy wave of her hand. “That’s what I do.  Or else, I change the deadlines.  The Boss never notices.  Your problem is: you’re too conscientious.  Trying being a bit slack for a change.  It works wonders for one’s mental health.”

It doesn’t appear to have done much for hers. Still, she makes an interesting point: perhaps I am too diligent.  No one else seems to work on weekends or stay past seven.   I resolve to be much less committed.   If only I can finalise this nasty business with Carlton.

“Ah, Helen,” he oils.  “I have managed to speak to the management board and we have decided, in the interests of client relations and nothing more, to make Ms Walker an ex gratia payment.”

At last!

“That’s encouraging,” I reply. “What sort of figure had you envisaged?”

“Well, seeing as she is clearly in the process of obtaining employment elsewhere, we thought we would knock any loss of earnings element off…”

“Ok….”

“And, given that we are satisfied that had we followed procedures, the result would have been the same, we don’t think there is any value in that aspect of her claim.”

“Ok…”

“And as we know that all the accusations of a sexual nature are entirely unfounded, we’re looking at a token gesture of, say, £1000 – inclusive of any legal costs she has incurred.”

“And you think that will be enough to persuade her to drop the claim?”

“Well, if not drop it, then at least reconsider.  It’s an opening gambit.  We’re willing to go up to £5000, if it looks like we can get rid of it quickly.”

“I’m sure she’ll snap your hand off.”

“Do you think so?”

“No.  I think, if you make an insulting offer like that, it will only make things worse.”

“A thousand pounds is a significant amount of money,” he advises me.

“Not to a City law firm it isn’t.  I bet Amelia has seen you spend more on a night out.”

“So what!” he roars. “It’s more than she deserves.  If I had my way, she would be paying me for the libellous slurs on my character!”

Those ones about you being a perverted tight-fisted, bully?  Oh yes, they would be hard to prove!

“Look, Mr Carlton,” I bite my lip and try soften my tone. “I sympathise with your predicament, I really do.  But speaking as an assistant myself, I think I am fairly well placed to advise you that £1000 is not going to cut it with Amelia.  You’re going to have to increase that twenty fold – perhaps more – if you want her good will.”

“He good will!” he splutters. “That is the last thing I want!”

“You do if she’s going to work for your biggest client.”

That shuts him up.

“All right Ms Know-It-All, if you were Amelia, what figure would you be happy to accept?”

For a moment, I think I am having an out of body experience. I fantasise that I am Amelia and The Boss is offering me a great big pile of cash………..

“How would £25,000 sound?” he asks me.

“A good start,” I reply. “But not really reflective of the six years of torment I have endured at the hands of you, Miranda, Tarquin and Melinda.  Try quadrupling it.”

“A hundred grand?” he gasps. “But that’s my entertainment budget for the next year!”

“You spent £100,000 on football and lap dancers?!”

“Yes, no, er, well, look I’m a reasonable man.  I want us to remain friends.  How about compromising at £50,000?”

“£80,000 and you have a deal.”

“60,000?”

“75,000.”

“Ok.”

“It’s been a pleasure working with you Alistair….”

“Ms Bailey?”  Carlton’s voice rips though my reverie.  “Ms Bailey?”

“Oh, er, sorry, I was just thinking of a realistic figure to satisfy me, I mean, Amelia.”

“And what do you think?”

“Bearing in mind how long she has worked for you, the serious nature of her allegations against you, the likelihood that she may have a job with your most important client and the fact that you have admitted your failure to follow procedures, I would say that £25,000 is a realistic opening offer.”

“£25,000!?”

“If you want to keep her goodwill, yes.  Any settlement less than £50,000, would be a good result.”

“£50,000!”

“That’s what I said.  And although it may sound like a lot of money, when you put it next to, say, your departmental entertainment budget, I’m sure it’s tiny.”

“I will need to speak to the board again,” is his only response.

I relay the conversation to The Boss, who sets his personal prejudices aside and agrees that if it were  me who was going to work for his biggest client he would pay me a ‘king’s ransom,’ to ‘keep me sweet’.    

I make a mental note to start applying for jobs straight away.

Carlton calls back an hour later and confirms our authority to settle.    Feeling pleased and relieved and vindicated all at the same time, I compose a brief letter to Amelia.

“Dear Ms Walker,

 Thank you for your recent correspondence.  

Our clients take such claims very seriously and, indeed, defend them with the utmost determination if necessary.   Having investigated the background to your case, they are of the view that they will be able to present a very convincing case to the court should you wish to continue with your action. 

That said, they wish us to point out, that they are not an aggressive firm and prefer to do business in a manner which leaves everyone satisfied. Whilst they do not accept the allegations you have made, they have no wish for you to leave their employment feeling aggrieved or unhappy with the treatment you have received.  Therefore, we are instructed, that in order to bring an end to this dispute, in the spirit of conciliation, they would like to offer you £25,000 in full and final settlement of any grievances you have against them. This offer is dependent upon you signing a compromise agreement…”

I show it to Jane.  A broad grin spreads across her face.

“Twenty five thousand smackers eh?”

“Indeed.”

“You have done a good job.”

“For whom?” I wonder. 

“For both of them.  Amelia gets her life-changing pay off and Carlton buys her silence.”

“Half of me doesn’t want to buy her silence.  He deserves to be publicly vilified for the way he has behaved.”

“True, but he has had his fingers burnt in the press.  I think it will be a long time before he tries his luck with another unwitting assistant.”

“I hope so.”

“Well, if not, it’s more work for you,” she points out.  “If he carries on in the same vein, he could keep you in business for years.”

“I don’t want him to keep me in business!” I exclaim. “It makes him sound like my pimp.”

“Ah but think of all the good you could do with your Robin Hood routine.  And it’s a pity you can’t use it as your “using initiative” example on the new associates test.   Double-crossing your clients beats setting up a recycling committee any day.”

Setting up a recycling committee is Tarquin’s greatest achievement of the last 12 months.

“I’m not getting into that again.”

She throws me an infuriating look.

“Well, at least, you’ll be safe on the last one -if you can persuade Amelia to drop her claim Carlton and The Boss will be falling over themselves to praise your abilities.   The question is, can you persuade Amelia?”

“If she isn’t willing to accept fifty thousand pounds, I may sue her myself.”

“Fifty thousand?”

“Top line.”

“Wow!” she exclaims. “Sexual harassment is a lucrative business these days.  What a pity Tarquin never paid me more interest.”

“She might get more if she kept going, but it looks like she’s about to take a new job so we’re hoping she’ll grab it and run.”

“I think she will,” she advises and, with a knowing, cryptic, look, saunters off.  

I turn back to face the enormous pile of papers on my desk.  I sit down and begin wading through it, piece by piece.    Then, suddenly,  I am reminded of Jane’s earlier advice and “using my initiative” I pick up the phone and summon the paralegals…..