The Boss is delaying the associateship assessments to allow more time to, “Consider our applications.”

“I don’t know how there could possibly be a delay,” sniffs Tarquin. “I handed my form in weeks ago.”

“That is the problem,” Jane tells him. “It’s so full of inflated boasts that it’s taking him months to digest it.”

“I cannot help the fact that I have a lot of qualities which need to be highlighted.”

Highlighted, flagged and surrounded by flashing neon lights; such are the depths of his insecurities. 

“I don’t believe they are serious about this,” Liz declares. “I think these hoops they are making us jump through are all part of a big ruse to avoid promoting us.”  

“I don’t think so,” Tarquin sniffs. “They are just having trouble sorting the wheat from all the chaff.”

With a pointed look he sashays down the corridor.

“If he doesn’t make Senior Associate.” Alex laughs. “He’ll have a breakdown.”

“I foresee a stint in The Priory beckoning…..” Jane sniggers.

But, for once, Tarquin needn’t worry: there is no danger of any of us not being promoted.  I know this because when I take The Boss his morning post, sitting on his desk is a Confidential Memo, which I immediately read.

ASSOCIATESHIP SCHEME

The Management Committee has been considering ways to increase productivity across the firm whilst, at the same time, keeping overheads down.  One of the strategies suggested to achieve this aim is the introduction of an associateship programme, which will separate assistants into three bands: assistant, associate and senior associate.  We have undertaken a review of the potential positives and negatives to bringing in such a strategy.   These are set out below.

Positives:

 1.  The change will bring us in line with our competitors.

2. It will allow us to charge increased fee income.  “Associates” are perceived as being more valuable than “Assistants” and may, therefore, be charged out at a higher rate.

3. It will enable us to “reward” staff members without increasing pay or benefits (so no cost).

 Negatives.

1. The change may create an expectation that “associates” are entitled to more of a say in management issues.

2.  The change may reduce flexibility in terms of deployment of staff.  Clients may demand specific levels of expertise i.e. ”assistants” or “associates”.

Conclusion:

On balance, the positives outweigh the negatives; with the potential increase in fee income attached to “associates” we wish to encourage all partners to “promote” as many of their assistants as possible.

However, please note: care must be taken to ensure that this does not appear to be a formality.   Assistants must be seen to “earn” their promotion.  A selection process should be devised with measurable goals so that it, at least, appears as if the assistant has achieved something of merit.   This will enhance the assistant’s  self esteem and sense of gratitude towards CWS.   It should, also, lead to an increase in productivity and, importantly, it will enable us to sell the concept to our clients.  

A veritable: win/win situation!   How amusing that they think we are too stupid to realise that the ”associateship scheme” is really for their benefit, not ours? Since when has CWS ever done anything for the good of its staff?  Even the Christmas party is tax deductible.

 Speaking of which, the invitations have just been dispatched and Melinda is examining the menu as I stroll back to my desk.

“I can’t decide between the melon balls and the smoked salmon bellinis.” Her face is a picture of anxiety.

“You mean the smoked salmon blinis?”

“That’s what I said, bellinis.”

“A bellini is a cocktail,” I explain.

“Is it?”

“With Champagne and peach juice.”

“Really?” her face lights up.

“Yes.”

“That’s brilliant; I shall definately have one of those!”

We would all have one of those, if we had the chance………

I shall be forced to endure another Christmas of ”melon balls”, “stuffed peppers” and “fruit salad”, as Jeannette thinks vegetarians eat nothing but raw vegetables (she has not seen the stash of crisps and chocolate by my desk).  If I survived on nothing but raw vegetables I would be as thin as Kate Moss; actually, if I want to get in to my Christmas Party dress, perhaps I should survive on nothing but raw veg…..

I don’t have time to worry about this because, back at my desk, there is an e-mail from my favourite employee molester.

“Dearest Helen,” it oils. “I very much appreciated the personal attention you gave to the Walker matter; your involvement was a great pleasure to me.  I was very impressed with the talent you displayed in our dealings and I do hope our paths will cross again soon.   In the meantime, kindly let me have your invoice.   With kindest regards.  PC.”

“Dirty old perv.”

Delete.

“What was that?” The Boss catches me in the act.

“Oh!” I start. “Er, just an e-mail from Carlton asking for our invoice.”

“Let me see.”

I hastily retrieve it from the dustbin.

“I see,” he nods. “Very modest of you to delete that.  Ok, well, print this out, do a bill requisition and give it to my secretary to action.  I doubt we’ll get anymore work from him, but you never know.” 

He strides off again with a file.  I print out the e-mail and head down the corridor to see Dee.  But, on route, I am ambushed and diverted, to Associateship HQ, where there is more grisly news.

“Miranda is in charge of the assessments,” Jane informs me.

“Then I have absolutely no chance of being promoted.”

“Yes, we thought that.” She and Liz exchange “poor Helen,” glances.  “The only people person guaranteed promotion is Fancy Man Dan.” 

Dan being Miranda’s favourite pet of the moment.

“He has only been here for two minutes,” Alex grumbles.

“Ah, but he has a secret ingredient which none of us possess…..”

“What’s that?”

“Testosterone.”

“Are you kidding?!” Liz laughs. “Jane has more of that than him!”

Still, there is something he has which Jane doesn’t: charm.

If anyone might know what hoops and obstacles we’re going to have to surmount it’s him.   After some debate, we corner him in the library, away from prying partnerial eyes.

“What has Miranda told you about the assessment process?” Jane demands.

“Nothing.”

“Come on, we know you are her favourite confidante at the moment.”

“I can’t help it if she likes sharing her business secrets with me,” he smirks.

“Is business secrets code for bodily fluids?” Liz hisses.

“Why,” he flashes her a provocative look. “Are you jealous?”

“No!”

The Librarian looks up sharply and makes a loud “shushing” noise.  I gesture an apology but she doesn’t seem impressed; shaking her head and typing with one steely eye fixed on our group.

We move round the corner, away from her accusing gaze.

“So, what did she tell you?” Jane continues.

“Nothing I wish divulge to you three.  I want to be promoted not demoted.”

“So she has told you something.”

“She may.  Or, then, she may not.”

“You are an appalling tease,” Liz spits.

“Indeed!”  Before we can protest, he pulls a deft double-bluff and gives us the slip.  

 So, we are no further forward and, at 2pm, I am seated in the conference room with no idea of what is expected of me in this “assessment process”.

Until Miranda arrives.

“Ah, Helen, there you are,” she says, as if she has spent days looking for me.

“Here I am!” I force a smile.

“Alistair and Malcolm will be here in a moment,” she slips into her seat directly opposite me.  “Do you have your business plan?”

“Business plan?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Oh dear.  You did get my memo on the need for all assistants to provide one, didn’t you?”

“No, I did not. “ Probably because you – High Priestess of Office Evil  - made damn sure I didn’t receive it.

“What a pity………” she trails off as The Boss arrives with Malcolm (making up the numbers) trailing behind him.

“Ah, Helen, you’re here.”

“Here I am.”

“Good.  Do you have your business plan?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Helen says she didn’t receive my memo,” Miranda coos. “but I’m sure I left it on her desk…..”

“I have not seen any memos on my desk,” I snap. “What did it say?”

“It said,” she says softly.  ”That all assistants were to provide a business plan for the department to demonstrate their ability to improve the department by a proactive commercial thinking.”

“I don’t need a business plan to demonstrate that.”

“Really?  Are you sure?”

“Quite sure.  If you want to hear my thoughts on improving the department, you only have to ask.”

“Go ahead then Helen,” The Boss says, in an amused, slightly patronising voice “Tell us your views.”

“Ok!  Well, firstly, it fritters money away like water.  If I had any degree of influence I would start by limiting the amount of overtime claimed by the secretaries.  Melinda earned enough to pay for half a car last year; and she is probably the most unproductive member of the team.  So, imagine what the others are earning!   You need to stop signing off their overtime forms at the drop of a hat.   It will save you tens of thousands of pounds in one fell swoop.  Then, once I had done that, I would look at all the other wasted expenditure such as client entertainment.  I mean, do we really need to take our clients to St Moritz each year to win their business?  Wouldn’t The Oxo Tower do?  And isn’t it counter productive to flash our cash about anyway, because they will only think our fees are too high?  I would do a cost/benefit analysis of every event and every client to see where our income comes from.  Then we could have a targeted strategy. ” I am on a roll now. “Also, I would stop buying biscuits from Fortnums - what’s wrong with Sainsbury’s for Christ’s sake!  We are not entertaining Royalty!  And I would look at productivity.  We assistants produce far more and consume far less than you fat-cat partners.  So, perhaps I’d do away with a few of you.  Ha ha!  I would certainly dispose of your free partner’s lunches!  You don’t need private catering every day, you earn enough money to go to Pret a Manger once in a while. -”

“Enough!” The Boss silences me with his hand.  He didn’t mind the partnership cull idea but abolishing partner’s lunches was, clearly, a step too far. “You have clearly given this a lot of thought.”

“When you spend as much time in the office as I do, you would give it a lot of thought.”

I look at Malcolm.  I think I detect a flicker of amusement in his miserable visage. 

“I think Helen has demonstrated her ability to think commercially,” he nods.

“A little too commercially for my liking,” The Boss agrees. “If she carries on she’s in danger of turning us into some sort of communist collective.”

“She has clearly been spending too much time with Citizen Black,” titters Miranda.  

Citizen Black: Jane would be flattered by that.

“The point is,” I say firmly, “that I do not need a fancy business plan to prove my worth.”

“Well, that’s for us to judge” she smiles, “Perhaps we can move on to some of the other areas we want to discuss?”

“Of course.”

“Ok, well, looking at your appraisal form I noticed that you have never worked anywhere other than CWS, do you think that is a disadvantage?”

“No.  Unlike some of the other assistants – who have moved between firms, disciplines and, even, professions,” Fancy Man Dan! “I have been faithful to CWS.  I trained here and I have the advantage of knowing all the systems, staff members and clients.”

“But you can’t compare CWS with any other firm.  You don’t know any better.”

“I don’t know any worse either.  I haven’t picked up any bad habits.”  Unlike you.

“Well, I think there is a great benefit to moving around.  It allows one to experience different things and to take the best elements forward.”

“Really?   So, which elements did you bring with you?”  The ability to stab any colleague in the back?  The talent to take credit for everything whilst doing nothing?

She gives another of her tittering little laughs. “This is not about me.”

Before I can fire off a furious response, Malcolm steps in with one of his typically left-field observations. “It is impossible to compare cheese with chimpanzees,” he says, sagely.

I am busy wondering if I am the cheese or the chimpanzees, when Miranda springs her next searching question on me.

“One thing which really concerns me about you, Helen,” she tilts her head to one side, as if she is psychoanalysing me, “is the fact that you haven’t done very much client development work.”

“I write plenty of articles,” I argue.  “And I took part in the employment road show, with Malcolm.”

“She did,” he nods. “It was a triumph.  A triumph!”

“Yes, but these are “soft” business development skills, important but one step removed from actual clients.  Real people.   What experience have you of interacting with them?”

Well, obviously not as much as you, Cynthia Paine.  “Enough.  For my level of qualification.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I wasn’t aware that you had any……”

The truth is: I hate clients!  I do everything in my power to avoid them.  

I am frantically searching for something positive to say when, suddenly, I remember the e-mail from Carlton, sitting in my folder waiting to be actioned!

“In fact, just this morning, I received a thank you note from just such a client, following the successful settlement of a claim against him.

“You did?” she seems surprised.

“Yes.”  I pass up the e-mail, which she reads with a veneer of distain.

“Let me see,” Malcolm gestures.  “Very good Helen,” he nods, as he reads.

“It was a joint effort,” The Boss points out.

“Absolutely,” I agree. “Your input was vital.”  For introducing the creepy sod in the first place.

“You did a good job.” he concedes. “He speaks highly of you and he did send us chocolates; he has never done that before.”

I’m sure he hasn’t……

“I think that’s enough evidence, don’t you?” Malcolm reasons. 

He and The Boss peer at Miranda, for her response.  

“I suppose so,” she agrees, through gritted teeth.

At last, I have something to thank Philip Carlton for!