SORRY FOR THE DELAY FOLKS: COMPUTER PROBLEMS.  ALL FIXED NOW, THOUGH.

To the utter astonishment of Tarquin the first “Euro-Initiative” jolly takes place without him.

There he was, thinking he was in line for a week of Champagne quaffing and foie gras guzzling, when Simon goes and snatches it right from under his nose.

He is so annoyed about it, he even confides in me.

“I cannot believe that Celine has chosen that toadying little oik to accompany her on this big business pitch!” he fumes.

“Me neither.”  But not because I would have asked Tarquin instead; spending three days with either of them would drive me to jump in Lake Geneva.

“Have you heard anything from them?” he demands.

“Not really,” I have but I’m too scared to tell him.

“Just as I thought!  Cavorting about town as if they’re royalty.”

“Well, I suppose that makes a change from them doing it in the office.”

“Oh yes!” he agrees. “They act as if they own the place.”

“You shouldn’t be too upset,” I tell him, “If you were out there, schmoozing, you wouldn’t be here earning your enormous bonus.”

This seems to pacify him, but not for long.

“Have you heard!” Jane charges in, in a similar fury.

“What?”

“The Boss is allowing Celine and Simon to count this ridiculous jolly towards their chargeable targets this month!”

Tarquin’s face turns purple with rage. “He can’t do that!”

“Well he has, albeit in secret.  I only found out because I happened to see a confidential memo on Simon’s desk.”

The fact that Jane is not supposed to be in Simon’s office looking at confidential memos, is, of course, overlooked.

“That is outrageous!”

“I know!”

Outrageous and astonishing: the Boss is paying them a bonus though they are not earning him money? Has he lost his mind?

Jane clearly thinks so.

“He can’t realise what he’s done!” she declares. “We must make him see sense immediately.”

She makes a move towards the door but I stop her.

“Hang on a minute,” I call.  “Let’s not be too hasty about this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” I’m not sure actually. I just want to calm her down before she stabs The Boss with a letter opener.  “Er, well, let’s think about it a little.  It might be to our advantage.”

“How can it possibly to our advantage?!” Tarquin trills. “When we are stuck here fee earning and they are swanning around Europe socialising – for the same reward?”

“Well…… don’t you think it might be a useful precedent?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean: now that it’s been agreed with Simon, it will be difficult for them to avoid allowing us the same privileges.”

“Pah!” he snorts. “Simon is part of the Gliterati!  He gets special privileges!”

The Gliterati?  Since when has Tarquin taken to reading Hello magazine?

“He has only been “special” since Celine arrived,” I point out “Before then he was just a jobbing lawyer like the rest of us.”

Jane’s eyes have narrowed with interest. “Go on,” she urges.

“Ok, so, Celine might have negotiated special rates for herself when she arrived but Simon didn’t.   He is our comparator.  If The Boss denied us the same privileges it would be unfair and potentially, even, discriminatory.”

“Discriminatory?”

“Yes!” This is proving harder than I thought.  “Haven’t you two learnt anything from your enforced Employment Law practice?!  If we could prove that the different treatment was due to sex or race or age – say – then it would be in breach of the law.”

“But it isn’t,” Jane objects. “It’s because Simon is less offensive to Celine than Tarquin.”

“We know that and they know that but they don’t know that we know that.”

“Oh, thank you very much!”  Tarquin’s face is redder than ever.

“Well, it’s true,” Jane shrugs.  “Celine would rather spend four days holed up with Motor Mouth than you.”

“I don’t think that’s the case!?”

“Oh, yeah?  He can’t speak a word of French and dresses like a used-car salesman but she still picked him over you.  Why is that?”

“Oh stop arguing!” I interject. “We don’t need to worry about the real reason Celine chose Simon.” Even if it is because Tarquin is an even more irritating jerk “All we need to do is suggest that it might be because of one of these issues and the Personnel team will be running for the hills.”

“So, what are you saying, exactly?” Jane cocks her head to one side.

“I’m saying that favouritism is a dangerous thing.  All children should be treated equally.  We should all be able to freeload and get a bonus for it!”

“You’re right!  I’ll go and get a copy of that Memo!”  She is up and out of my office before I can reply.

Tarquin remains, sulking, in the corner like a stroppy little boy.

“You would hate Geneva,” I tell him.

“I love Geneva!” he sniffs.

“Well, you would hate Celine.”

He doesn’t argue with that.

Seconds later, Jane is back, clutching the mystery memo. “I’ve got it!”

“Let me see.”

We huddle round to examine it.

Strictly Private and Confidential

Re Euro-Initiative

In line with the Firm’s policy on partnership marketing initiatives, the forthcoming meetings in Geneva (listed below) will be recorded against matter number 124567.9 (Marketing Initiatives) and the time allocated to each fee earners’ chargeable targets accordingly.  

Any business generated as a result of these meetings will be allotted to Alistair King’s schedule……

“So, there it is,” Tarquin sniffs.  “In black and white.  The end of our promotion prospects.  Celine and Simon part of the ‘partnership marketing initiatives’.”

“Oh, stop being so self pitying,” Jane orders.

“Yes,” I agree. “You’re overlooking the useful bit.  Look – we even have a matter number so we can see how many “units” they charge for every fat cat lunch they indulge in.”

“More evidence for our claim!” Jane agrees.  “Vile Caroline won’t know what has hit her.”

He pulls a sour face.  “I am not interested in units or bonuses. I simply want to be properly recognised for my hard work and dedication.”

“Then you shouldn’t be working for a City law firm,” Jane fires back.

“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t.”

This is a revelation: if Tarquin is unhappy what hope is there for the rest of us?

“Ah well,” Jane laughs, “until you can persuade The Civil Service to take you, you’re stuck here.”

“We shall see about that.”

Muttering something about ‘prejudice’ and ‘appreciation’ he marches out of my room, taking a swipe at Celine’s neatly stacked in-tray as he goes.

“Off to lick his wounds,” Jane sighs.

But, it turns out that he has other things in mind………

“I’ve had a little chat with the Senior Partner,” he informs me later. “I told him about the memo.”

“You didn’t!” I am agog.

“I did,” he nods.

“And what did he say?” my voice is at least two octaves higher than usual.

“He was appalled.  He is going to take it up with Alistair.  Fee earner’s should not be allowed to  galivant round Europe at expense of the firm.”

“Is he going to stop it?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “But he is going to ensure that they make up the lost chargeable time.”

“Oh Tar!” I gasp. “What have you done?”

“Corrected a gross iniquity,” he sniffs.

And deprived us of the one small chance we might have had to enjoy ourselves.