Liz is having second thoughts about her engagement party.

“I don’t know what possessed us to invite the whole team,” she grimaces.

“You were overcome with happiness,” Alex points out, “You wanted to share it with everyone.”

Even the partners.

“I know,” she agrees, “But I’m having second thoughts.  I mean, all my friends will be there.  And some of my relations.  Mixing the three groups is a recipe for disaster.”

I have to agree. I would rather slice off my arm and eat it than introduce my family to The Boss. Or vice versa.

“Are your Mum and Dad coming?” I ask.

She shakes her head. They thought it was better to leave the ’young folk’ to it.

That makes me laugh; with Malcolm, Clive et al, the combined demographic will be well over 40.

“At least that’s something,” Alex tries to chivvy her up, “You won’t have to listen to them spilling all your childhood secrets.”

“My brother will be there,” she pulls a face, “he’s just as likely to do that.”

“Perhaps you should book a few weeks off after the party,” Alex suggests. “You might need time to recover.”

“A few weeks might not be long enough.” She bites her lip.

“Look,” As usual Jane is on hand to offer a more pragmatic view. “Do what you always do at parties: fill yourself with cocktails and get blind drunk. Then you will neither care about nor remember what anyone does or says.”

“You’re right,” she agrees, “I shall do just that.”

Dan, in contrast, has other plans: he is going to give a speech.  Strangely he confesses this to Jane during one of their (rare) office chats.

“Save it for the wedding,” she tells him, “No one wants to hear any slushy stories on a night out.”

“I will not be telling any slushy stories,” he informs her, “It will just be a little thank you to everyone for attending and a couple of anecdotes.”

“Well, it’s your party,” she shrugs, “but if you want my advice, save the anecdotes for a more refined audience.”

“If you mean the wedding guests,” he laughs, “you can’t have met my future in-laws!”

But they cannot possibly be less refined than some of our secretaries.

Melinda is painting her toenails with her foot on the desk; the whole of her calf and most of her thigh is on display. Nearby, Danielle is hoiking up her Wonderbra as if she is about to audition for Stringfellows and Lynnette is complaining that her Spanx are “killin’ her.”

“Christ!” Jane almost chokes on the cloud of deodorant hanging over the typing pool. ”I think you might be confusing Farringdon with Basildon. “

“Whatdoyamean?” Danielle scowls.

“I mean,” she coughs, “This party is in a gastro pub in Clerkenwell, not a nightclub in Chigwell. There is no need for fake tan and cleavage.”

“We always get dressed up, no matter where we go,” she sniffs, “don’t we girls?”

“Yeah,” they nod in unison. “We like to make an effort.”

“Well, just don’t make too much of an effort,” she warns them, “It’s not far from Kings Cross; I don’t want you getting confused with the local ladies of the night.”

This sarcasm is lost on them. And they turn up looking like extras from CSI Vice Squad, regardless. No one else makes any effort to change, except Miranda, who is sporting an emerald green cocktail dress.

“I know The Eighties are back,” Jane remarks, “But could she be more Joan Collins?”

No. If Dynasty returned, Miranda could out-bitch any of them.

And she wouldn’t be acting.

“I’m surprised to see you here, Helen,” she sidles over to me, “when you have all those witness statements to read.”

“I’m taking them home for the weekend,” I tell her.

“Shouldn’t you have checked with me before you did that?  This is a very sensitive case.”

No it isn’t.

“The statements have been filed at Court,” I point out. “They’re not exactly secret.”

“Nevertheless,” she purses her lips. “You should have checked with me. What if you left them on a bus?”

“I don’t use the bus. Besides, I have them in a lockable bag which I shall take great care about preserving.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Helen (but she doesn’t); It’s just that I’m super conscientious so, if you don’t mind, please return them to the office and read them there.”

I do mind!  “I really think that is unnecessary,” I persist. “Lot’s of people work from home (her included!); these documents are in the public domain and I shall take great care with them.”

“I don’t what lots of people do,” she sniffs. “I don’t want my assistants doing it.” And with a click of her fascist heels she stalks off to the bar.

I have a powerful urge to lunge after her and wrestle her to the ground.  But, Jane returns with the drinks, so I resort to downing two shots of Tequila instead.

“Wow,” she says with admiration “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“I didn’t until Miranda put it there,” I scowl.  “I’ll have to go back to the office, after this.”

She hands me another shot and pats my shoulder, sympathetically.

The room is rapidly filling up by now; as friends and family begin to turn up.  There seems to be a disturbing contrast between us (pale, dark suited and miserable) and them (tanned, relaxed and in pastels.).

“We look like Vampires next to everyone else,” Alex observes.

Jane laughs out loud. I think that, secretly, she has always wanted to be a Vampire. I know she has come close on several occasions.

“Seriously,” he nods, “Look, everyone is staring at us with a mixture of pity and suspicion; like they don’t want to risk getting too close to us in case we bite them.”

“I’m not surprised they don’t want to come near us,” she snorts, “With you spouting nonsense like that!”

“It’s not nonsense: I feel like one of the Cullen family, from Twilight!”

Before we can reply, Liz appears with some of the tanned, pastel-wearers.

“Look,” Jane nudges him, “supper.”

“Helen, Jane, Alex,” Liz gives us a warning look, “This is my brother, Will, and his friends, Tom and Dominic.”

“Hi,” we greet them. It’s easy to see how Will is; he has the same shock of unruly hair.

“You work with Liz?” Will asks.

“Yes,” we nod.

“Wow, you must be serious masochists!”

“Not at all,” Alex lies. “Working at CWS is ok.  And It could be worse.”

“What could be worse?”

We think about this: digging ditches? Clearing sewers? Donating organs?

“What do you do for a living?” Jane distracts him.

“Liz thinks I’m a loafer but I’m an art teacher.”

“You are a loafer!  You spend more time on holiday than at school,” she points out.

“Yeah,” he laughs, “I do! And more fool you for not doing the same. When was the last time you took a break?”

Ages. Mentioning holidays awakens memories of long lost childhood experiences.  We all stare into space for a moment or two, remembering what it is like to feel the sun on our faces; the sand on our feet, the sea in our ears…..

“Has Liz told you about what happened the last time we went on a family holiday?” he asks.

“Oh, here we go,” she rolls her eyes. “I knew you would embarrass me.”

“That’s what brothers are for.  So, we’re in Spain and Liz is trying to be all grown up. She decides to go off shopping on her own but gets lost.  After walking round for a few hours, she ends up, being picked up by the local Tourist Police and driven back to the hotel in a patrol car. My parents see her arrive and think she’s been in trouble and all hell breaks loose.”

“Have you told The Law Society about your brush with The Police?” Alex teases.

She shakes her head and slaps her brother on the arm.

“May I have your attention please?!” It’s Dan’s big moment; he’s clambering onto a table and gesticulating for us to settle down. “Firstly,” he begins, “Thank you all for coming along to our little engagement celebration.  It’s great to see so many friendly faces wishing us well. As most of you know, we met at work, in the Litigation Team at CWS. Liz didn’t like me when she first knew me; she used to call me Fancy Man Dan behind my back, because she thought I was vain!”

Liz nods and says: “He is.”

“But, she couldn’t escape me, so I persevered” he continues with a wink, “It took a lot of time to wear her down but over time, she was able to see that I have some good qualities and finally agree to become my wife.  For this, I have a lot to thank our boss, Alistair King, for.”

The Boss gives a smug, self-satisfied nod.

“If he had not rescued me from the Corporate team,” he goes on, “we would not be standing here now. And, in fact, with that in mind, we have a small announcement to make -”

“You’re not pregnant are you?” Jane gasps.

“No!” Liz looks appalled.

“We appreciate that it would be tricky to go on working and living together; and so we have decided that Liz will remain at CWS and I will be moving on.  I will have a new home, a new job and a new wife next year but, in the meantime, I should like to make a toast to my beautiful fiancée and all our colleagues at CWS: an extraordinary group of people!“

“Hear Hear!” we all agree.

Extraordinary is an understatement.