ANONYMOUS ASSISTANT

WELCOME TO LEGAL LONDON………

Lady Millions

Written By: anonymous - May• 01•12

LADY MILLIONS

Selina arrives in a haze of “Lady Millions” perfume. We know this because Liz is reviewing wedding scents and has more free samples than an Avon Lady. She can name any perfume at fifty paces.

“And her choice of signature scent says it all,” she says, knowingly.

But to be honest, the perfume is far less troubling than the vacant thousand-yard stare she wears whenever we’re in sight; contrasted with the cool, seductive giggle she uses on the partners; or the low, breathy voice she reserves especially for The Boss. Add them to the
short, clingy outfits she sports and, in the temptress stakes, she makes
Miranda look like a rank amateur.

“That outfit definitely contravenes the dress code,” Jane sniffs. “If her skirt was any shorter it
would be a belt. And that shirt is so low cut it could be almost slices her in
half.”

In contrast we three, in our button-up black ensembles, look like we’ve taken holy orders.

“She’s just being fashionable,” Alex makes a big mistake and tries to defend her.

“Not you as well?” Jane rolls her eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean: she seems to have entranced all the men in the team.”

“I’m not entranced, I just think she’s all right. We  went for a coffee
and she seemed really friendly.”

“You went for coffee?” All three of us are staring at him now.

“Yeah,” he shrugs. “She invited me yesterday afternoon. She seems really keen to get to know everyone and figure out how the department works.”

I bet she does.

“Don’t you think it a little odd that she is sharing a room with me and, yet, she has not taken me our for a coffee?” asks Jane.

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “If she’s sharing a room with you she probably knows all she needs to know about you!”

This is a fair point.

“Have you spoken to her yet?” Liz asks.

“Yes, of course I have,” she snaps. “I told her where the toilets are and I showed her the fire exit.”

Alex sniggers in triumph. “I rest my case!”

“Yeah, well, even if she knows my position, she hasn’t asked Helen or Liz for coffee either.”

“No,” we shake our heads. “Nor Siobhan, nor Jenny nor any of the other females in the team.”

“Well, if you’re all talking about her behind her back I’m not surprised she hasn’t asked you. Poor Selina.”

And with that, he flounces off to seek out his new best friend.  I have my
own encounter with her later, when she pops in to, “discuss her secondment.”

She takes a seat in my visitors chair, crosses her legs and stares at me like Bambi.

“So,” she begins, “I understand that you were recalled to the office, and I’ve been asked to take over.”

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” I smile, “The secondment was shortened by Philip Carlton, the Corporate partner. He wanted one of his minions to take over, so I came back. But the
minino didn’t last very long and now they’re sending you.”

“I see…..” She clearly doesn’t. “So is there anything I need to know?”

“You will have to read our Risk Assessment. And then you have to implement it.
Carlton should be able to let you have what we’ve done so far.”

“I see……what exactly is a risk assessment?”

Oh good lord. “It’s a review of potential business hazards.”

I’m about to say more and then I think: sod it! Why should I help her? Let Carlton find out what a bimbo she is. But then I remember Margaret and I feel bad. Damn them!

“What sort of hazards?” she asks.

“All sorts: from health & safety concerns to pensions problems. We reviewed them all and it will be your job to implement our recommendations.”

“And how will I do that?”

By using your brain, if you can find it. “By following our advice and liaising with the company.”

“I see….” She flicks her hair over her left shoulder and smiles. “Well, thank you, I’ll let you know if I need any more help.”

“Of course,” I smile and, as soon as she’s gone, immediately call Margaret.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell her. “My replacement is not the brightest star in the sky.”

“I know,” she says flatly. “Carlton brought her to meet us this morning.”

She is doing the rounds.

“Oh!” I exclaim, “She has just been to see me; she made no mention of that. In fact, she came to find out what it was she would be doing.”

“Did you say: my job?”

“Sort of, I told her the background and explained about how she would be implementing the risk assessment recommendations.  Then she asked me what a risk assessment is.”

I can hear Margaret groaning at the end of the line. “I explained all of that to her this morning.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again.

“It’s not your fault. Carlton is to blame for this.”

And a whole lot more.

“She and he seemed very cosy,” she adds. “The two of them took my boss out to lunch. He came back singing her praises as well.”

“She has an extraordinary effect on men. They are all falling over themselves to please her here.”

She groans again. “What would it take to get rid of her and bring you back?”

“The untimely death of Philip Carlton,” I suggest.

“Ok, I’ll see what I can do.”

And for a moment, I think she is serious.

 

 

 

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